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It was one call, one bad call, and something in you snapped. For 30 seconds, you were that parent. Your daughter didn't say anything on the ride home. She hasn't said anything since. But she looks at you a half second longer than she used to.
Hi everyone, I'm Sammy. Welcome to the Hey Sammy Podcast.
Every day I read one question from a real sports parent and answer it like a friend would. Today, the dad who yelled at the ref and the kid who saw it.
This one's from Rob in Cincinnati. He writes, I yelled at a referee last weekend and my daughter saw the whole thing. She hasn't mentioned it, but I can tell something shifted. How do I handle this?
Rob, first, credit where it's due. You noticed the shift. A lot of parents would have told themselves it blew over. You didn't. And that instinct is the whole reason this is fixable.
So put down the shovel you've been hitting yourself with. Shame makes lousy repairs. We need you steady for what comes next.
Now let me tell you what she actually saw, because it wasn't about the referee. She saw the safest adult in her life lose control, in public, at a grown man, over her game. That's scary at any age.
And there's a second layer—her worlds collided out there. The field is her place, with her people watching. For 30 seconds, you made yourself the loudest thing in it. So her silence isn't punishment; she's recalculating, quietly asking whether that guy shows up again next Saturday.
Your job this week is to answer that question. Here's the good news, and I mean this: kids don't need parents who never break. They need parents who repair. Done right, the repair teaches her something better than never seeing you angry.
It teaches her that adults can own it when they blow it. She will use that lesson in every relationship she ever has. But the repair has to be clean. So here's the anatomy. Short. No excuses. And absolutely no, "but that call was terrible." The word "but" deletes everything in front of it.
An apology with a justification inside it is just a defense with better manners. Something like, I was wrong Saturday. You deserved better from me out there, and I'm going to be different. That's it. Then stop talking.
Don't ask if we're okay now. Don't circle back to it four more times this week. That turns your apology into her job, and she's done enough managing of your feelings.
Then comes the part that actually convinces her. The next three games. Have an actual plan. And tell her what it is. Maybe you sit farther from the officials. Maybe gum, hands in pockets, whatever keeps the lid on. Mine is chewing gum like it owes me money, if you're wondering. Nobody's proud in the bleachers all the time.
She doesn't need you perfect out there. She needs three quiet Saturdays in a row. Evidence beats promises every single time. And if she brings it up someday, in the car, out of nowhere, let her. Don't flinch, and don't relitigate the call. Just, "Yeah, I hated how I acted too." Kids revisit things when they're testing whether the repair held. Every calm answer is another screw in the foundation.
One more thing about why this matters more than one bad Saturday. She's going to have referees her whole life. Bad bosses, unfair teachers, calls that don't go her way. Last weekend, you showed her one way to respond to that. This week, you get to show her the other one. The do-over is the actual lesson. Not the blowup. Most of us get one of those moments in the bleachers eventually.
The ones who repair raise kids who repair. That's the whole inheritance. This week, try this. One sentence: I was wrong Saturday, and you deserved better from me. And then no speech after it.
Do you have a question? Email me, hey@heysammy.com.
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