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Episode 22August 4, 20266 minutes 2 seconds

What do I do when my kid makes the team but her best friend gets cut?

Short answer

When your kid makes the team and her best friend gets cut, you can help by reminding her that it’s okay to feel good about making it and sad for her friend at the same time. Encourage her to keep inviting her friend to hang out, no sports talk, just regular kid stuff, even if the answer is no for a while. Real friendships usually find their way back.

“Life will hand her plenty of invitations to make herself smaller so other people hurt less.”

Questions this episode answers

  • Should my daughter pretend to be less happy so her friend doesn’t feel worse after getting cut?
  • What can my daughter do if her friend stops talking to her after the team list goes up?
  • How should I handle things with the other parent when our girls are on opposite sides of a cut?

Sammi's Take

Why do the girls drift apart after a cut?

The list goes up. Your kid’s name is there. Her best friend’s isn’t. Your daughter walks out with what looks like a win, but all she can see is the gap beside her.

You might just see two girls avoiding each other. It’s not coldness, it’s grief on both sides. One lost her team, and it’s out in the open. Everyone’s watching, which means her pain gets no privacy at all. Standing next to your daughter right now feels like standing next to the thing she wanted most and didn’t get. No big mystery why she disappears for a while.

But your daughter? She’s carrying something less obvious, and at twelve, nobody teaches you the word for it. She got what she wanted and somehow it cost her someone. Guilty for feeling happy. Confused about how to act with a friend whose heartbreak is about, well, her.

What can my daughter actually do, and what shouldn't she?

First, here’s what your daughter can’t fix. She can’t make the cut feel fair. She shouldn’t try to hand back her spot, shrink herself, or start hiding how happy she is.

Watch for that, by the way, the little ways kids downplay victories so the people around them hurt less. Textbook move: acting like the win matters less, staying quiet about the team, inviting herself to her own pity party. The world is going to give her plenty of chances to make herself small. Don’t let this be the first time she takes the offer.

Tell her straight: “You’re allowed to be happy, and your friend is allowed to be sad, at the same time.” Seriously, say it out loud. Twice, at least. Guilt has a short memory when you’re twelve. Or thirty. Or fifty.

What should she do? Not a big dramatic apology. Not a giant fix-it talk. Just the smallest, dullest things. Invite her friend to do something that has nothing to do with the team; movie, sleepover, that nonsense they did before tryouts even existed.

If the answer is no, or it’s just silence, that’s not rejection. That’s her friend saying, “I can’t be that close to it yet.” The invitations are her way of leaving the light on; no scorekeeping, just keep sending them whenever it feels right.

Friendships like this sometimes need a season off. Most of the time, if they were real, they circle back around about when everyone stops talking about the team.

Am I supposed to do something with the other mom?

Yeah, your version of this is happening too. The other mom is probably dreading pickup, dodging small talk, and feeling a little loss herself. Don’t overthink it. One text is enough; no advice, no “she’ll get them next year”, no sunshine where the sun doesn’t shine. Just: “Thinking of you guys.”

Above all, don’t avoid her. Avoidance stings worse than the cut itself. Feels like pity. Nobody likes that, especially not after a bad day.

What if the friendship doesn’t get better soon?

It might not. Not right away. These girls have years of rosters, cuts, and position changes ahead. Today your daughter is the one with the spot, but someday she’ll be on the other side. The way you treat this friend now, keep offering that invite, don’t act awkward at school pickup; that’s how you hope your own will be treated when it’s her turn.

File this under “it was real” that’s the answer for why you don’t give up so quick.

Try just one thing: help your daughter invite her friend to something neutral, just once. No pressure, no expectations. If the answer is no, you let that be completely okay. That’s it, that’s the whole playbook. The rest is just time.

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Episode transcript

Read full transcript

The list went up, and your kid's name was on it. Her best friend's wasn't. And somewhere between the celebration and the car, your daughter figured out she'd lost something too. They haven't really talked since.

Hey. I'm Sammi. Welcome to the Hey Sammi Podcast. Every day I read one question from a real sports parent and answer it like a friend would.

Today, the cut list and the friendship it took down with it. This one's from Sandra in Seattle. She writes, "My daughter's best friend just got cut from the team. My daughter made it. Now their friendship is falling apart. What do I do?"

Sandra, here's what's actually happening, because from the outside it just looks like two girls being cold. They're both grieving. The friend lost the team, and that's the obvious one.

Everyone's watching her, so her hurt has nowhere private to go. Being around your daughter right now means standing next to the thing she didn't get. So she pulls away. Not because she's cruel, because it's the only pain she can control. And your daughter is carrying something nobody hands you a name for at twelve. She won something, and it cost her someone. She's guilty about being happy. That's a heavy, confusing load for a kid.

So let's talk about what your daughter can't fix. She can't make the cut fair. She can't give the spot back, and she shouldn't offer to shrink.

Watch for that, by the way. Watch her start hiding her excitement, downplaying the wins, going quiet about the things she earned. Don't let it set. Life will hand her plenty of invitations to make herself smaller so other people hurt less. Don't let this be the first one she accepts.

Tell her plainly, you're allowed to be happy, and your friend is allowed to be sad at the same time. Neither one of you is doing anything wrong. Say that sentence more than once this month. Guilt has a short memory, especially at that age.

Now what she can do. Small, boring, patient things. Not a big talk, not a letter, not fixing it. An invite to something that has nothing to do with the sport.

A movie, a sleepover, the stuff they did before tryouts existed, before the sport got a vote in who they were to each other. And here's the important part: teach her to keep offering without keeping score. The first invite might get a no, maybe the second one too. That no isn't rejection; it's the friend saying, I'm not ready to be that close to it yet. The invites are how she leaves the light on. Some friendships need a season apart after something like this. The ones that were real usually find their way back. Usually around the time everyone stops talking about the team.

And Sandra, there's a parent version of this too. The other mom is grieving a little herself, and probably dreading you at pickup. One text. No advice, no silver linings, no "at least she can try again next year." Just, "thinking of you guys." Don't avoid her. Avoidance reads as pity, and pity stings worse than the cut did. And keep an eye on the long game, because there is one.

These girls have years of rosters ahead of them. Cuts, injuries, positions won and lost. Today, your daughter is the one holding the good news. Some tryout down the road? She won't be. How your family treats this friend now is the rehearsal for how she'll be treated later. Kids file this stuff away. So when your daughter asks why she should keep trying with someone who's icing her out, that's the answer. Because it was real.

And real gets more than one bad season.

This week, try this. Help your daughter make one non-sport invite. And let it be completely okay if the answer is no. That's it. Just that one thing.

That's the show. Got a question? Email me, hey@heysami.com.

About the Hey Sammi Podcast: Questions Sports Parents Actually Ask

Playing time. Quitting mid-season. Difficult coaches. Sideline drama. I answer the real questions you're dealing with every week. Got one of your own? Email me at hey@heysammi.com. Your question might be answered on the show.

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